Actually I was a twenty-something phone psychic and it only lasted a week or so because jesus christ was that unbearably depressing. At least with the UB Post horoscopes I don't have to worry about people believing the tripe I come up with.
Oh wait. Yes I do.
A Concerned Reader wrote to me after the inaugural horoscope column to complain about my characterization of Aquarius. I had explained that, contrary to expectations, Aquarians aren't all about crystals and homeotherapy and moxibustion and indigo children and similar, and suggested that if people with this sign wanted to indulge in new-age rubbish they ought to pretend to be Pisces instead, as Pisces are supposed to be bigga-time practitioners of woo.
I'm not entirely sure which is more disturbing, a) that she apparently didn't twig that the entire goddamn column was a send-up of newspaper astrology in the first place, or b) she takes her astrological sign seriously enough to complain when she feels it is misrepresented.
It's harder than you might think to make up horoscopes. They're all basically the same: this (day, week, month) you will find yourself challenged by (some conjunction of planets, stars, etc) in your (career, love life, finances), plus (other conjunction of planets, stars, etc) will give you much-needed support in making decisions about (career, love life, finances) but you could easily be led astray by (conjunction, etc) so you should not make any important decisions while (planet) is (in location). The trouble is making them interesting.
Sigh. Oh, well. At least I have some fun articles in the next issue.
Do you need some type of beckground to write horoscopes? I tried to write them for my highschool paper and the teacher wouldn;t let me because it was misleading, because I would just be making them up. She did not know what type of background you needed to write horoscopes but was sure some type of official training was needed.
ReplyDeleteHoroscopes are completely and utterly bullshit. Newspaper horoscopes are extra-bullshit because they're based on a hypersimplified version of standard western astrology. The idea is that the position and movement of various stars, planets, etc., in the heavens at the moment of your birth has an effect on what sort of person you are and what you will do in any given situation. It is pure and utter rubbish. Look up the Forer effect for an explanation of why people believe this crap.
ReplyDeleteIn order to write newspaper horoscopes you have to be either absolutely convinced that it's for real OR you have to be able to come up with amusing bullshit every (day, week, month).